Fold My Laundry Please

So.  Tomorrow is the big day.  At 8:45 am Pacific Time, I’ll be standing at the starting line of my very first 5K run.  All of the appropriate preparations have been taken care of.  I took the last few days off from the gym this week to make sure my legs are all rested up.  I’ll be eating spaghetti for dinner to get my carbs in tonight.  Andrew has been instructed to take copious amounts of photographs and the double stroller is already in the back of the van.  And perhaps most importantly, I picked out what clothes I was going to run in and made sure they were clean a few days ago.  Now comes the hard part, getting the kids to bed early so that I can go to bed early. 

Oh, and did I mention that I signed up for another 5K next Saturday?  The Keizer Iris Festival 5K!  I think I done lost my mind! 

Humor-Blogs.com can eat my dust! 

You know what’s not fun?  Hearing a ruckus happening upstairs just as you’ve decided it’s time to turn in for the night and, upon investigation, finding your sons’ room looking like a scene from CSI. 

BLOOD! 

EVERYWHERE! 

BEDS! 

FLOOR! 

WAAAAALLS! 

Is it bad that my first thought was, "Ach!  Beige carpeting!  I’ll never get that out!"  Because that was my first thought.  By the way, Google said window cleaner with ammonia in it would break down the enzymes in blood making it easy to soak it right out of clothing and carpeting.  Google spoke true.  And my college days attest to the fact that said window cleaner also gets Kool-aid out of carpet.  You know?  I don’t think I’ve ever used the stuff on windows.  Stainless steel, countertops, microwaves, but never windows.  I’ll have to try that out sometime.  But I digress.

My second thought?  "Who’s bleeding?"  My hand immediately flew to my face.  Just in case I was having some sort of premonitory hallucination.  I wasn’t.  It was bed check time. 

Ethan?  Fast asleep. 

Gideon? 

Gideon? 

I followed the blood trail to the bathroom and found my poor little Peanut standing there with a wad of tissues held up to his face and his pajamas drenched in blood.  No tears though.  Because, "Bleeding is fun!"

So I spent a good portion of that night mopping up blood. 

And again two days later.

And then again at the gym after having a nursery worker hustle up to me while I was on the treadmill and tell me that there was a "little accident" in the Kids Court.  I cannot get that horrid metallic smell out of my nose!

And all I could think of was a scene from a movie (or maybe it was a book) that I watched/read ages ago where a girl wakes up in the middle of the night to find her sister in the bed next to her spouting blood profusely from her nose, only to have her go to the doctor, find out it was lupus (or some other sort of cancer-type disease), and then spend the next few months watching her sister slowly die.  I no longer remember the name of that book/movie, but that scene seems to have stuck with me.  In great detail, apparently.

By the way, Gideon’s doctor says that picking your nose in the middle of the night is not fatal.

Phew! 

Humor-Blogs.com is not First-Aid certified. 

Do you think James Bond has to keep receipts for everything so that he can get reimbursed for the stuff he buys while on the job?  Or does M just hand him a company charge card and trust his judgement as to what constitutes a legitimate business expense?  I ask because Andrew and I were engaged in a discussion about the James Bond books versus the movies this morning and Andrew brought up the fact that in the books, 007 throws cash around like it’s nothing because he knows he could die at any moment, his job being extremely dangerous and all, and he doesn’t want to leave any money behind.  Quite frankly, I had never thought of Bond as actually getting paid for his assassinatorial services.  I’ve always had the impression that he didn’t have a permanent residence that he needed a regular paycheck to maintain.  No bills to pay.  No fridge to keep full.  I mean, officially, he doesn’t even exist.  He always seems to be holed up in some resort somewhere in the world, gettin’ to know the ladies and living off of room service.  Until M has a job for him, that is.  Then he’s all business.  Business and ladies.  I can just see M’s monthly review of the expense reports now…

Moneypenny:  Here you go, ma’am.  This month’s charge reports for James Bond.

M:  Thank you, Moneypenny.  Well, well, well.  Let’s see what sort of rubbish 007 charged this month.  Bullets…okay.  Dry cleaning…okay.  Oh, looks like there were more fees than usual for removing the blood stains from his tuxedo this time around.  Hair gel…a British agent does have to keep up a dapper appearance.  Gin, vermouth, olives…always with the vodka martini!  *imitates Bond*  "Shaken, not stirred."  Hah!  His liver will be jerky long before the commies get him!  Lunch out with Q, construction fees to repair damages to a hotel he destroyed, anti-gravity boots, submarine sports car, laser shooting watch band, more bullets, silver cufflinks, massage fees, license to kill renewal fee, more hair gel, …oooh!  Credits for baccarat wins!  Nice work, Bond!  Wait!  What’s this?  Paperclips and duct tape?  Who does he think he is?  MacGuyver?  MONEYPENNY!  GET 007 IN HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

Bond:  Hello, Moneypenny.  [Insert overt sexual innuendo here.]

Moneypenny:  *smiles and blushes*  Right on time as usual, James.  M is waiting to see you. 

James Bond would visit Humor-Blogs.com if he wasn’t so busy killing people and romancing ladies.

Andrew has been toying around with the idea of taking the boys camping.  Notice I said the boys, not the family.  I have never liked camping myself.  My entire camping experience (true camping, the kind you do in a tent, not in a cabin) consists of a single night.  16 very long hours of squatting in the woods, huddling by a campfire, and sleeping on rocks.  I don’t like camping.  If there is no place to shower or a toilet to go potty on, I don’t want to spend the night there.  A day in the forest, great!  A night in a cabin, a week even, lost in the solitude of nature, fabulous!  But I don’t do tents.  Hard to believe I’m a boy scout*, isn’t it?

Today, Andrew again mentioned his desire to go camping.  I simply said, "But there are no toilets in the woods."  Ethan looked perplexed.  Andrew asked him, "Ethan where do you think you go to the bathroom in the woods?"

"Ummmmm, you don’t."

"That’s my boy!" I said.

Then he added, "Unless there’s a hole in a tree or something."

Ah, yes.  Trees.  Nature’s urinal.  I’m so proud! 

*The story behind that little factoid is being saved for my eventual meme response.  Yes, I do plan on responding to all those tags I’ve received.  Eventually. 

Humor-Blogs.com heard that nature’s bidet is located somewhere in Yellowstone National Park.

When you sit in the front row in Sunday School, you don’t have a whole lot of conversation going on from all sides to distract you.  So when the people behind you start up a rousing discussion, you can pay closer attention to can’t help but hear what they’re saying.  The topic isn’t always of world importance, but it’s usually pretty interesting.  Today, for example, the conversation was particularly amusing and disturbing all at the same time.  Allow me to set the scene.  Lady 1, an elementary school teacher by trade, glances up at the black board, notices the poorly erased lesson from the last class and turns to Lady 2, also an elementary school teacher.

Lady 1:  You know, they would’ve had an easier time erasing their lesson if they had used the proper kind of chalk for this kind of board.

Lady 2:  Chalk is chalk, isn’t it?

1:  Not so.  Some types of boards, such as this one, require a much softer chalk than others.  It’s easier to erase completely that way.

2:  Oh.

1:  I like to eat chalk.

2:  …

1:  Oh yes!  My kids at school think it’s funny to bring their friends over to me and say, "Miss 1?  So-and-so doesn’t believe you like to eat chalk."  And I say, "Oh, no?" and pop a piece right in my mouth and chew it up!  It  REALLY freaks them out!

2:  That freaks me out, too.

1:  They say, "Ewww!  Don’t you know what that stuff’s made of, Miss 1?"  And I say, "Only the calcified remains of teeny tiny sea creatures, that’s all!"  *chuckles*

2:  …

1:  And when they ask me what it tastes like, I tell them, "It tastes like chalk!"

2:  That makes sense.

1:  Oh, I’ve been eating chalk since I was four years old.  I’ve always loved the stuff!

At this point, class started and the conversation, such as it was, was cut short.  I wonder if Lady 1 has ever heard the term pica?  If the Relief Society ever asks me to bring a meal to her, I’ll just send over a basket of clay, chalk, spray starch, and dirt!  Deeeeelicious!

Humor-Blogs.com eats paste by the gallon.

Today’s mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get right out to the movie theater and immediately see this movie. 

Iron Man.

Was.

AWESOME!!!

It is a rare thing indeed for our ever larger family to get ourselves out to the theater to catch a movie, especially within the first week of opening.  So shuffling everyone out of the car and into a dark cavern outfitted with stadium seating is a major event.  And at 10:30 am on a Saturday morning?  Unheard of!  Jon Favreau is one of my favorite directors and he did not disappoint this time, either.  Why do people go to see superhero movies?  To see our hero’s alter ego suffering through emotional and moral dilemmas?  No!  We go to see the action!  We want mutant powers!  We want high tech gadgets!  We want evil bad guys and strong female supports!  We want gold and hot rod red mechanical bio-suits!  And Favreau delivered right from the get go.  He even managed to fit in a brief history of Tony Stark without having the audience nod off.  And Robert Downey, Jr.?  Spot on, my friends!  And looking rather handsome, as well.  The rumor is that Iron Man makes a cameo appearance in the new Hulk movie and that there are plans to make an entire trilogy of Iron Man movies.  After today’s performance, I will gladly go and see each and every one of those!

What are you doing still sitting there?

Go. See. It. Now!

Humor-Blogs.com wishes it was cool enough to wear armor like that!

This weekend was perfect!  Ultimate spring weather!  The sun was shining, the temperature was in the high 60’s, and there was a light, cool breeze blowing.  It was just right for doing yard work and playing outside.  I pulled weeds and mowed the grass while the kids filled the back porch full of chalk art.  And what activity logically follows yard work?

Playing in the sprinkler, of course!

Cornholio here didn’t want his hair to get messy.

‘Cause being well groomed is important!

Aurora was the most adventurous, plunging in head first like a little warrior woman!

Shortly after those shots, the boys decided they should take their shirts off so that they wouldn’t get wet.  Aurora followed suit and we soon had a full blown naked fest going on in the back yard!  I had to intervene because, even though the back is completely fenced in so that you can’t be seen from the ground, all of our neighbors have two story houses and can see right down into the yard! 

What’s that you say?  The sprinkler?  Why, yes…

…it is a Darth Vader lawn sprinkler!  Jealous?

Humor-Blogs.com, click it to help my ratings!   

Gideon:  You have to give me your candy.

Aurora:  No way, dude.

Gideon:  Yes.  I need to eat it.

Aurora:  No way, dude!

Gideon:  Okay, new rule.  When you say, "No way, dude!" it means you are saying, "Yes."  Now give me your candy.

Aurora:  No way dude!

Gideon:  *takes candy* Thank you!

Aurora:  *roaring and tearing candy out of Gideon’s hands* NO!  WAY!  DUDE!

Humor-Blogs.com never takes no for an answer.

Just how important is that pacifier exactly?

Very important! 

Humor-Blogs.com  Click it!  Or don’t.  Whatever. 

I’m not sure how I’m going to make up for my absense.  I left all of you in the lurch.  You were probably sitting at home, cravin’ yourself some adventures of Lady Laundry (that’s me, in case you didn’t know), and I selfishly took a blog break.  And I didn’t even warn you first!  Some of you (a shockingly large percentage, actually) even had terrible things happen in your families.  Where was I with my words of comfort?  Not here, that’s where.  And then I had to go and get sick, further postponing my triumphal and much heralded return!  And then!  I went and got lazy and passed it off as making sure I was fully recovered from the POISONING!  Mea culpa!  Mea culpa!  So, in an effort to apologize, allow me to summarize a bit of what has happened in the last, (one, two,….) seven, *gasp* SEVEN DAYS!  I promise to omit the mundane and focus only on the exciting and interesting.  I also promise to use lots of exclamation points!!!  And to gratuitously abuse THE CAPS LOCK KEY!!

Friday I had the chance to meet Allanna!  In real life, even!  Let me just say that she is every bit as fun as I thought she would be (Nerdfighters!) and twice as pretty!  She threw a Pampered Chef party to which she honored me with an invite.  On a side note, between my love for cookbooks and how I paw over cooking gadgets as if they were pretties, you would think I actually enjoyed cooking.  Sadly, I do not.  I think it has something to do with the fact that someone in my house is always hungry and therefore I am ALWAYS. COOKING. SOMETHING.  But the opportunity to drool over expensive kitchen tools, eat food that someone else cooked, and to turn an internet friend into a REAL LIFE friend?  I was so there!  And I had a blast!  I took the girls with me and Aurora turned everyone there into family.  I think that’s her secret mutant power because she can charm the pants off of anyone.  At one point during the evening, I looked over to see her sitting snuggled on the couch with Allanna’s family members and looking totally and comfortably adored! 

The only thing I regret about the evening is this.  I didn’t take a single picture.  Not one.  I blame it on being nervous.  I’m not always good with people in real life because my mouth can get me into trouble.  I’ve gotten better about keeping it shut lest evil escape (especially at church), but occasionally I slip up and prattle on about something or other wishing desperately that I could JUST. SHUT. UP! ALREADY!  I must say that I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to edit my words before hitting publish.  Thank you blogging!  You’ve saved me socially!  Maybe the next time I meet one of you in real life (I’m looking at you, Nicole!) I’ll be a bit more relaxed and actually document the event for everyone else to enjoy as well.

Sunday was my anniversary!  The hubster and I have been married for seven happy years now.  We weren’t really planning on doing anything much more than skipping church.  But on the spur of the moment, we decided to pack all of us into the car and head north to Olympia, Washington to eat at a restaurant that was our favorite when we lived there.  We had a few minor reservations about this trip before we left.  It’s a two and a half hour drive from our house and it was already just past noon.  Also, it was Sunday.  You know?  The Holy Sabbath Day?  Normally, we try to avoid doing anything that would cause anyone else to have to work on a Sunday unless our ox is in the mire.  As is our way.  But!  It was our anniversary!  Of the day we got married!  It was special!  And I reeeeally wanted delicious seafood and beautiful scenery!  And so we threw some extra diapers in my bag and headed out.

The drive up?  Smooth.  Lunch/Dinner?  Linner?  Yummy!  The restaurant is right on the Port of Olympia, so we took a small wander after eating.  As predicted, we saw beautiful scenery…

…and a good time was had by all!

It was the drive home that troubled us. Not until the very end, though.  The beginning was filled with nap time and pleasant conversation, and those are two very good things indeed.  The last five minutes was filled with vomit.  Specifically, mine.  We got home and I spent the next few hours keeping conveniently close to a bathroom, wishing I would HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY!  At about nine pm, I was feeling good enough to call the restaurant and ask them to reverse the charge on our meal, it having been filled with POISON and all.  They apologized profusely, informed me that food poisoning normally takes about eight hours to kick in, and then removed my meal from our bill.  Which was really all I could honestly ask since I was the only one affected.  Mine was the most expensive meal anyway.  Happy anniversary, my love!  How about a great big kiss?

Since then, I’ve been going about my usual business and  trying to get myself back into my blogging groove.  Apparently, in my world, getting back to normal means making plans to change my daily routine.  I know you missed me.  I missed you, too.  Do you forgive me? 

P.S.  Food poisoning SUCKS!!!  Or should I say, blows?