I’m thinking about starting writing again. But this time I write for me. I’m done writing what I think other people want to read. All I can say is that if you don’t like it, you can bite me. I’m me again, and I like me. So a word of warning. There will be swearing. There will be "morally questionable" material. There will be off color humor. There will be no apologies. I’m gonna write what I think. I’m gonna write what I feel. I’m gonna write like I talk. What you’re gonna see is me, and, like I said, I like me.
June 27, 2010
September 9, 2009
Big brothers are good for lots of things…
…especially when you get a neat-o present from Grandma for your birthday…
…and don’t quite know how to use it.
Princess roller skates!
I’ve got you!
Lemme give you a leetle poosh…
Balance is the key…
Fly little bird!
Stress, it’s a killer, sir. (Name that movie quote!)
Nothing like a little rest after some hard work!
June 11, 2009
June 1, 2009
May 22, 2009
Heeeeyyyyyyy…Mom left a pot of melted chocolate on the stove…
…no one’s watching…
Caught! Quick, look cute!
Works every time!
May 10, 2009
The other day, one of my children found my old Senior Prom announcement and brought it up to me. It has some poems about how fabulous the class of ‘93
was is and a description of the prom’s theme. The theme was "Make It Last Forever" (Which is fitting because, MAN!, I thought it would never end!) and the colors were emerald green, violet, and white gold. Yes, it actually says white gold and not pearly white, shiny white, or even just plain old white…which is what is was. But I digress. Inside the announcement, there is also page after page of all of the different junior and senior class officers that made it all possible and, of course, a listing of who the ‘92-’93 Student Council officers were. I read over all the names, not even remembering who most of them were, until I came to one name in particular and was instantly transported back in time…
Now, before you start thinking that this time portal dropped me off back at prom, allow me to correct you. It was not prom I remembered so fondly. Prom was, in a word, BORING!!! No, instead it was to my freshman year of college. I went to Northern Arizona University and was roommates with my best friend from high school, Lisa.
Anyway, there were two guys from our high school who went to NAU, too. We’ll call them Jared and Jason. Being that we didn’t know anyone else at all on campus, we spent the majority of our first year hanging out with them. The four of us had a lot of fun together. We would watch movies together, talk on the phone together, eat at the cafeteria together, panic about being away from home together, you get the picture. In short, we would hang.
In one of our many "College Is HARD" conversations, Lisa, Jared, and I discovered that Jason was unaware that we all shared post office boxes with another person. Because he didn’t know about this, Jason had just been throwing out the other person’s mail whenever he found it in his box. Now, an important fact to know is that we were about a month into our second semester at the time of this revelation. So for about 6 months, Jason had been throwing away someone else’s mail EVERY DAY. The three of us laughed so hard it hurt and poor Jason just sat there turning red as he realized how dumb he had been. I, of course, was quick to point out that he had been committing a federal offense for months and that now he had made us all accomplices. Which made us laugh even harder. Jason, the felon. He would not have had a good time in prison; he was kind of a pretty boy. We all promised not to turn him in and life resumed as normal, but with one less illegal activity occurring on a regular basis.
A few weeks later, Jared and Jason went back to Phoenix for the weekend to attend a Gin Blossoms concert. That very same weekend, I experienced a rather serious bout of Boredom. And it was apparently contagious.
Lisa and I sat around our dorm room and alternated between staring at the ceiling, flipping through channels on the television, and thinking about maybe possibly almost studying. After awhile, I decided that I needed to do something, anything, other than those same three things over and over again.
So I picked up the phone. I dialed Jared and Jason’s room. As predicted, the answering machine picked up. And that’s when I said,
"This is Frieda Farkel, the postmaster of the NAU post office. I’m calling for Jason. We’ve received reports from a Scott Surley* that he has not been receiving his mail in the post office box that he shares with you. Upon watching the security tapes, we see that you, Jason, have been removing Scott’s mail from the box and placing it in the trash bin. I would like to point out to you that tampering with another person’s mail is a federal crime. We need you to get in touch with us as soon as possible so that we can quickly resolve this situation. Please call us at 555-5555. Thank you very much."
Then I went back to my grueling routine of staring at the ceiling, flipping through channels on the television, and thinking about maybe possibly almost studying. That was Saturday afternoon.
Sunday evening, Jared and Jason returned from Phoenix and listened to the messages on their answering machine.
Sunday evening, approximately 2 seconds after listening to their messages, I received a phone call from a very panicked Jared and a nearly hysterical Jason.
"Omigoshomigoshomigoshomigosh!!! Holy crap, Melissa! We are in soooo much trouble! Whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo???? HOLY CRAP!!!" They even played the message back for me to listen to.
Now there are a few things I would like to point out about my phone call. Thing the first: I used the name Frieda Farkel. This is a name I have always used for prank calls ever since high school. Several of those prank calls from high school were placed with either Jared, Jason, or both sitting next to me and trying desperately to stifle their laughter. Thing the second: I made no attempt to disguise my voice in the message. I figured that since I was using a name they knew, there was no point in trying to hide my identity. Also, I believe I mentioned earlier that we talked on the phone together. This occurred at least once a day. So feasibly, they should have recognized my voice right away.
After more than five minutes of me laughing so hard that I couldn’t even form words, Lisa took the phone from me and told them to come over so that we could form a plan to keep them out of the big house. Because we’re good friends like that. By the time the front desk called up to our room to let us know we had male visitors and could we please come down to escort them up (we lived in an all girls dorm), our laughter had transcended sound. We had both reached the point where all you saw was two people holding their stomachs and shaking, mouths agape, but no audible noise emanating from them other than the occasional gasps for air. We went back to our room and two very confused guys sat there on the couch, looking more and more embarrassed as we explained what we had done.
Never before or since have I been able to completely pull of a prank like that. I simply had the thought, picked up the phone, and spoke the words. There was no planning, no conspiring, no expectations. In fact, by the time I went to bed Saturday night, I had already forgotten that I placed the call at all. And that they fell for it so completely…well…I’m still flabbergasted by it to this day.
Either I have a natural talent for comedy, or I’m an evil genius.
Guess which one is true.
Humor-Blogs.com would never willingly admit to having commited any crimes, federal or otherwise!
April 21, 2009
You know what’s fun? Moving. Moving is fun. I LOVE the smell of new packing boxes. I LOVE the sound of the packing tape as you rip off a strip. I just plain LOVE packing! I LOVE going through every last single bit of detritus that we’ve collected over the years and trying to fit it all into the largest truck we can afford. In fact, I LOVE moving sooooo much, that I still haven’t completely unpacked from the last time we moved in the hopes that we will someday move again.
So imagine my delight and joy to be able to tell you, my loyal readers, that my family and I will be moving! Again! Over the course of the next six weeks, I will be pouring through our belongings, selling off large items we don’t want to take with us (Hello, Craigslist!), donating things we can’t sell, and throwing out things no longer fit for human use. Oh yeah, and packing the rest. Because that, is my FAVORITE part of moving. Have I mentioned that I LOVE packing? Because I LOVE packing!
But after the packing, and after loading the truck, and after driving the van for two days with four kids in the back and my husband following in the truck, we can start the fun part of moving. The part where you get to explore a new city and find all the nifty places to visit and new restaurants to eat at. That part I actually do love. The culture shock, it’s delicious!
Sooner than I can believe we’ll be going from this…
And from these…
Yes, it’ll be good times indeed.
Or at least very, very interesting.
Humor-Blogs.com has writers as dry as the Southwest or as…um…moist…as the Pacific Northwest. Whatever floats your boat. Or not.
April 15, 2009
March 27, 2009
GAH! How I hate this question! By the time dinner time rolls around, I’m exhausted. I’ve just spent the day zooming around town running errands, taking kids to and from school, and getting to appointments in the nick of time. I come into the house and have about 10 minutes to slump into my ever so comfy computer chair before someone pops up in front of me and asks that dreaded question.
"What’s for dinner, Mom?"
And it doesn’t just happen once. It’s as if my children have a schedule for it. Every five minutes on the dot, there’s another little person there in front of me asking the same question. And it doesn’t matter if I announce what we’re going to eat loudly and make sure that everyone hears me, they’re still gonna ask.
"What’s for dinner?"
It’s like nails on a chalk board! Tuesday night is pizza night at our house. Every week we sit down in front of the television to watch a movie while we inhale 5 or 6 frozen pizzas. Every week. For the last year and a half. Tuesday night. We’re eating pizza. But inevitably, Tuesday rolls around and we get out of the car and everyone puts their shoes and backpacks away. And there it is.
"What are we eating for dinner?"
So I think that the next time I hear that question again, we’re going to eat San Nak Ji for dinner!
Humor-Blogs.com squirms when diced up for consumption, too.
March 24, 2009
We recently made the decision to get a television for our house. We used to have one when we lived in Idaho, but when we moved, we decided we didn’t want to move it with us. For the past two years, we’ve made do with watching movies on our computers and finding our favorite television shows on the internet. It worked out really well for us and for the most part, we didn’t even miss it. But we finally tired of plugging the xBox into our monitors so that the kids could play and hearing them cry about wanting to watch some movie or other when we were busy doing important things like blogging or checking our facebook pages. And so we took a trip over to Walmart and found a modest little television. It’s not even flat screen! Can you imagine!
As soon as we got it home, we hooked everything up and plunked ourselves down on the couch for some quality zone-out time. We watched the news, some cartoons, and figured out what channels we receive. We didn’t spring for cable, but we get 33 different local channels here, including a movie channel, a cartoon channel, and one that shows only documentaries, so no big loss there. Something we had all forgotten about, and quite frankly hadn’t missed, was the commercials. There are so many more commercials during shows than I remember. The kids are fascinated with them. They’re like 30 second movies to them. What that mini-movie is about, however, is so very different to a child than what the rest of us see.
Take this commercial for example:
To the adult eye, its humor would appear to derive from seeing a surgeon, a job which requires steady hands and a clear head, going on and on about how much he luuuuuurves him some bourbon. But lo! It is not the drink which he desires, but a tasty new Kentucky Bourbon burger from Carl’s Jr. Ha! Good show, Carl’s Jr.!
My son is seven. All he saw when he watched it was a man carving up a human being and then enjoying a tasty meat patty covered in delicious toppings afterward. And I quote, "EWWWWW! HE’S EATING A MAN BURGER!"
Humor-Blogs.com thinks man burger sounds delicious!