Fold My Laundry Please

I was cleaning the downstairs bathroom today when I was forced to defend my family from a ferocious beast!  As I wiped down the mirror, a fairly large wolf spider crawled out from behind it.  I must tell you all that I am TERRIFIED of spiders!  Spiders are not my friends!  My normal reaction to a spider (especially one the size of that monster today) is to scream, run, curl up in a ball, and cry until someone squashes it flat and disposes of the remains.  Even then, I still avoid the spot as though it was unclean for at least an hour or two.  Anyway, this ginormous creature crawled out from behind the mirror and, quite naturally, I screamed at the top of my lungs.  I could not run however since I would have to get within 6 inches of the predator in order to get out the door.  I was trapped.

So what did I do?  Well, unable to take my eyes off the beast for fear of it disappearing somewhere and then not knowing where it might be, yet horrified by its very appearance (a dilemma, I know), I reached to my left for the nearest weapon-ish thing I could get my hands on…the Clorox Clean-Up.  I aimed the bottle, squeezed the trigger, and…nuthin’!  I had foolishly underestimated the dangers that the bathroom might hold and turned the nozzle to the "off" position when I last used it.  Darn me and my child-safety habits!  *shakes fist at self*  Without looking away from my nemesis, I fumbled with the nozzle until it felt like it was in the right position.  Again, I took aim, I squeezed the trigger, and BULLS-EYE!!  I had even unknowingly turned the nozzle to the "stream" position!  I soaked the eight-legged sucker!  Many times!  I didn’t even feel any remorse as I watched him stumble around the counter top for a bit before he finally succumbed and curled up into a little ball.  I am woman!  Hear me roar!

Then I was faced with disposal of the remains.  The spider lay there in a lake of Clorox Clean-Up while I sat there frozen in place, trying to gain enough control of myself to reach out and brush the body into the sink.  Eventually, I sucked in my breath and got over myself, grabbed a huge handful of paper towels (I figured I would need them to wipe up all the Clorox, anyway) and swept him into the sink and washed him down the drain.  That’s when I noticed that despite my desperate scream in the beginning, no one had even come to see what was going on, much less rush to my aid!  I mean, here I am defending their very lives (yes the spider was that big) and no one even noticed that I was in peril!  I’m thinking maybe I oughta get one of those medical alert bracelets, just in case anything truly serious ever happens!

And just so you know, I braved the vastness of the internet to find a cute, cartoony picture of a spider that wouldn’t cause a stroke every time I looked at it!  Just for you!  Because pictures are pretty!