Fold My Laundry Please

As my due date approaches, Ethan, my five year old, has more and more questions about the baby and how it is going to get out of my belly when the time comes.

Ethan:  When will you know that the baby is ready to come out?

Me:  My tummy muscles will start to hurt and that will let me know that the baby is ready.

Ethan:  Will it hurt bad?

Me:  Yes, it will.  But then we’ll go to the hospital and the doctors will help the baby get out.

Ethan:  But how will the baby get out?

Me:  Ladies have a special hole that the baby comes out of.

Ethan:  *looks at me with narrowed eyes*  Is it a big hole?

Me:  Well, it stretches so that it’s just big enough for the baby to fit.

Ethan:  *still looking at me suspiciously*  Where is this hole at?

Me:  Look, your friends are outside on the playground!  Let’s go outside!

Clearly, I’m not quite ready to describe the differences between boys and girls in detail yet.

Last night, during our bed time routine, Ethan started the questions again.  They were the same questions as always and I was answering them with my usual answers.  Then Ethan got to the last question.  I started looking around the room for something to distract him with.  That’s when Dad took over.

Andrew:  Okay Ethan, you know that boys have peenies and that girls don’t, right?

Ethan:  Uh-huh.

Andrew:  Well, on girls, where the peenie should be is a little hole.

Ethan:  *looking a little disgusted* A hole between their legs?

Andrew:  Exactly!  *grabs a wide cardboard tube from a toy building set and holds it between his legs*  You see, when the baby is ready to come out, *also grabs a stuffed clone trooper doll and sticks it up his shirt* the baby moves down and then comes out of the hole.  Like this.  *violently shoves clone trooper through cardboard tube because tube is slightly too small for doll*  Got it?

Ethan:  *smiling big*  Yep!

Andrew:  The the doctors stretch the cord out and ask Daddy to cut it so the the baby can be free. *mimes cutting cord with scissor fingers*  Then the gross part comes out and…

Me:  Aaaaand that’s how babies come out!  The baby gets a bath and then we all come home to rest.  The end!

Then Dad proceeded to start acting out a silly little puppet show with the doll, still holding the tube in his other hand.  The kids all laughed like crazy.  Then we said our prayers, gave them kisses and turned off the light.  I’m not sure if Ethan believed Andrew or not, but the questions seem to have stopped for the time being.  Thank goodness, because I don’t think I could take another biological puppet show!