Fold My Laundry Please

When I am out with my children, I often get comments about how many children I have.

"Are they all yours?"

"Have you figured out what’s causing that?"

"Four?  Really?  Four?"

"You must be really tired!" 

Usually I just smile and nod, silently agreeing with them. 

Yes, they are all mine. 

I thought it was caused by darkness, but I’ve slept with the light on since our third was born and yet… 

Four?  Where’s cute little number five?  Oh, lawsie!  I done lost me another one! 

And yes, I definitely could use a nap or two.  Thank you for offering to babysit!

Today I was was at Walmart spending some birthday money my mom had given me and I had forgotten about until last night.  Ethan was at school, so I only had three children with me.  (I are good at math.)  Typically, during school hours, Walmart is populated by the elderly and other tired mothers toting their not so tired children along with them.  The old folks usually just smile at my brood, sometimes telling me a sweet story or two from when they were young mothers, themselves.  The other mothers and I exchange understanding glances and compare eyebags. 

This afternoon’s visit was no different from any other until check out time.  We piled our booty (*snicker!*) onto the conveyor belt and eagerly awaited our very own opportunity to shovel money into the corporate maw.  An older "gentleman" got in line behind us and proceeded to make googly eyes at Aubrey, who cooperated graciously by grinning and giggling from her seat in the cart.  I thought to myself, "Oh, how nice!"

Then he looked at all three of my children, smiled at Aubrey again, and said, "Your mother is one fertile turtle!  That’s for sure!"  (Advice seeking time!  How is someone supposed to respond to that?  I’m leaning toward, "You got that right!"  But let me know.)  What I actually did was just stand there staring at him with my mouth gaping open.  I know.  It was rude of me.  This nugget of wisdom was quickly followed by a glance in my direction and more spewy goodness.  "Do you have your own private room in the maternity ward or somethin’?"

This man was trying very hard to ruin my Walmart experience!  I had just spent two lovely hours shopping for things that would serve absolutely no purpose other than to entertain me, and he was ruining it!  I wanted to spit in his face.  Lucky for him, that was when the checker mumbled, "welcometowalmartdidyoufindeverythingalrighttoday" and started scanning my items.  Another act of not so random violence subverted by half-hearted customer service!  Curses!

My real regret is that I had no witty comeback immediately available with which to put him in his place.  Shock had rendered me silent.  (You can stop laughing now.)  Someday, Old Man!  Someday!  You won’t know where and you won’t know when, but the time will come when we will be face to face once again!  And when that happens?  When you look up and see this "Fertile Turtle" staring down at you with her litter o’ pups crammed into a shopping cart next to her?  That’s when you’ll hear it.  That’s when I’ll say, "Would you mind if I take your picture?  The Guinness World Records people won’t believe me if I tell them I just found the world’s ugliest man without any proof!"

Humor-Blogs.com doesn’t know what causes it, either.