Fold My Laundry Please

You know it’s gonna be bad news when you call your cell phone company (because SOMEONE went over their text limit) to find out what to expect on the next bill and the operator prefaces the amount with, "Now don’t freak out…"

Inhale…….aaaaaaand exhale…….in………..out………

Maybe Humor-Blogs.com can float me a loan.

3…

2…

1…

BLASTOFF!!!

Humor-Blogs.com is all wet!

Things happen every day that we swear we will never forget.  Surely you’ll remember the time the baby did that totally adorable thing.  Or when your six year old displayed real responsibility for the first time.  But then you’re struck a few days later with a nagging thought that there’s something you’ve forgotten.  Did I leave the oven on?  Did I comb my hair before I left the house this morning?  No, it’s that fleeting memory slipping away.  So we spend all our time with our little ones trying desperately to memorize their facial expressions, how it feels to hug someone that small, and every word that comes out of their mouths.  When we’re not trying not to yell at them because they refuse to eat their dinner that is.

I just hope I never forget this.

Every day, when I drop Gideon off at kindergarten, he searches the lawn for a flower to pick for me.  Then runs back to the car and says, "Here, Mom.  This is so you think of me while I’m gone."  Suddenly he’s a blur of feet as he runs off to class blowing kisses over his shoulder.

The day will eventually come when he simply goes to class. 

I better put a box of tissues and a chocolate bar in the car just in case.

Humor-blogs.com  They never call.  They never write.

Coming soon!  To a household near you!  It’s The Invasion of the Fruit Flies!!! 

You heard it right, fruit flies are taking over my house.  And it’s disgusting and miserable and I may have to call in a professional to douse the house with gasoline and toss a match in!  They’re coming up out of the garbage disposal so maybe I could just pour bleach down the drain.  Can’t I?  I seem to remember hearing that pouring bleach down the drain was a bit of a no-no.  Scratch that suggestion.  Perhaps drano would suffice.  

And why don’t they make garbage bags lined with insect repellent?  They make them with odor neutralizer.  Why not make it so that the insidious little beasts don’t turn your kitchen garbage into a breeding ground?  There’s just something a bit disconcerting about going to throw something away and having a swarm of fruit flies rise up out of the trash.  I’ll have to add "Contact someone at the Glad Bag company about this" to my to-do list.

Other things to add to my to-do list:

• Scrub my kitchen till it shines, including, but not limited to, pulling the stove and refrigerator away from the wall and scrubbing the floors and walls behind them. 
• Have a family meeting discussing the pros and cons of leaving a plate covered in jelly underneath the couch.
• Construct a series of homemade fruit fly traps.
• Ask blogoverse for suggestions.
• Sit whimpering in the corner flailing at the air randomly with a fly swatter.

If you need me, I’ll be in the corner.

Click!  Register!  Give me a smiley face!  Humor-Blogs.com!

I tell ya, these flies are gonna drive me insane!

Do you have cranky children in the car?  Are they whining incessantly about how someone squished their project at school, you didn’t tell them what was on the lunch menu that morning and they had to wait until lunch to figure out what to eat (Here’s a hint, it’s pizza.  It’s always pizza.), and that the school day is JUST SO LONG?  Well fellow parents, suffer no more!  Have I got a plan for you!  All you need do is simply let slip that if you don’t get home quick, you’re going to end up driving home in a puddle of pee.  Immediately, you will see young boys perk right up.  At first it will be oodles of giggles, as potty humor is extremely popular with the under 7 crowd.  Then the older ones will seize the opportunity to increase the jocularity (which, as it turns out, has nothing whatsoever to do with sports) by capitalizing on your pain.  Suddenly, the back seat will erupt with cries of "Whatever you do, mommy, don’t think about water!" and, "Drip!  Drip!  Drip!  Drip!"  Also, they will be sure to point out that the farm you drive by every day is currently watering its crops.  "Look, mommy!  The sprayers are on!  They’re going, ‘Psssshhh, pssshhh, pssshhh, pssshhh, pssshhh, pssshhh…"  Oh, the hilarity!  You will be miserable, but your children will have definitely cheered up!

Is it you that’s not feeling your usual chipper self?  Are you having "one of those days"?  I have a cure for that, too!  Just take a gander at this:

Now don’t you feel better about your day?  I know I do!

Humor-blogs.com will cheer you up every time!

The other day Andrew got some cash from the bank.  On a lark, he decided to receive it in the form of a roll of freshly minted $1 coins.  Later, in the car, he was playing with a handful of coins ala Scrooge McDuck when he jokingly said, "Now I’m ready for the strip club!  WOOHOO!"  And I laughed because can you imagine how fast you’d get thrown out of a club if you started dropping coins in some girls panties?  Not that I imagine things like that.  It’s just that paper is the norm and coins would make that jingly noise as they danced, not to mention the discomfort of the whole thing.  Not that I would have any knowledge of that sort of thing!

I’m not making this any better, am I?

ANYWAY…

The point is that I laughed.  At a somewhat lewd joke.  And within milliseconds, I heard a little girl’s voice pipe up from the back seat saying, "Now I’m ready for the strip club!  WOOHOO!"  Which made me laugh even harder (though rest assured, I was also feeling the proper amount of shame and abhorrence) and prompted many cheerful repetitions from the afforementioned little girl.

Then came the questions from The Inquisitive Ones. 

What’s a strip club?

Why would a lady want to do a bad dance for people?

Why do they want you to put coins in their panties?

Is there a strip club near our house?

Can we go see one someday?

Suddenly I need a tylenol.

Humor-Blogs.com accepts dollar coins as well as credit and debit cards.

•  Apparently, a homeless person holding a sign that simply says "One fry short of a happy meal," will earn considerably more money than the guy standing on the very same corner later in the day holding a sign bearing the more traditional "Will work for food," or, "Every little bit helps," or even, "God bless".  Me?  I just wanna buy him a happy meal.
• Once your toddler pulls all the  sandwich bags out of the brand new box you just put on the shelf, it is nearly impossible to fit them back in the box.  I suggest giving up and just cramming them all in a gallon size bag.
• You may think the bank will not budge on the random charges they placed on your account (They do this every August/September.  Should I be sensing a pattern?), but you may be pleasantly surprised if you take the time to go in and speak with someone about it.
• An empty milk jug and a long handled wooden spoon to bat it around with are infinitely more entertaining than the expensive toys you bought for them last week.  Christmas is going to be sooooo easy this year!
• Nighttime potty training efforts improve significantly when sugary reimbursement is introduced. 
• If you decide to stay in your favorite, most comfortable pair of hole-filled jammies to drop your child off at school, you will inevitably need to get out of the car for some reason in some very public place.
• Asking your child, "How was your day?" when you pick them up after school can result in confusing responses such as, "Creepy."
• No matter how many times you put "Click! Register! Give me a smiley!" at the bottom of your blog posts, a high percentage of people will still refuse to do so.

Click!  Register!  Give me a smiley!  Or else Humor-Blogs.com will steal a french fry from your happy meal.

 What’s this?

Oooh!  Fire!  Let’s grab it!

What did you call this stuff again?  Cake?

Arrgh!  It’s on my hands!

You want me to put this gooey brown stuff in my mouth?!?!

If you say so…

Chocolate is DELICIOUS!

Let’s sing that song again!

Wait…what’s this?

It’s…it’s brown.  And gooey.

EWWW!!  GET IT OFF!  GET IT OFF RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

Let’s make with the presents, people!

Happy birthday, Aubrey!  We can’t believe you’re one year old already!  We love you!

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Ethan, Gideon, and Aurora

 Head on over to Humor-Blogs.com and smile at me!  You know you wanna!

Click!  Register!  Vote!  HumorBlogs.com!

You always think that you’ll see the warning signs.  I mean, who knows your children better than yourself?  Right?  You, of all people, would be the first to notice the subtle differences in personality.  The way they can no longer seem to look you in the eye.  The deafening silence coming from their room.

But then…

But then it happens to you. 

To your family. 

To your FAMILY!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

One day, you’re happily preparing a delicious dinner.  Beef stew and homemade cornbread with veggies and dip on the side.  You’re humming a cheerful little tune and stirring the stew while it simmers.  But there’s something that’s not quite right.  Something that’s off.  You begin to assess your home.  The baby’s happily emptying the recycling bin and carrying empty milk jugs around the house.  Your husband is doing a bit of research on the internet while he waits for you to finish dinner.  But where are the others?  Your 6 and 5 year old boys?  Your 3 year old daughter?  

It’s quiet.  Too quiet.

You check the living room.  No kids there.

You check the bathroom.  No kids there.

You head towards the stairs to look on the second floor. 

You climb the stairs.

One step.

Two steps.

Three, four, five…

You catch the faintest hint of a giggle from the boys’ room, but not much else.  You glance in the girls’ room as you walk by.  Their filmy white curtains are billowing into the room, carried on the cool evening breeze.  You continue down the hall, hesitating only the briefest of moments before entering the boys’ room. 

And that’s when you see it.

Your children.

Huddled together in the middle of the twilit room around…

Around…

…your veggie platter?!?!

Not only do you find them SPOILING THEIR APPETITES mere minutes before dinner is ready, but they’ve absconded with the veggie platter you so lovingly put together.  The baby carrots.  The grape tomatoes.  The cucumber slices.  The sugar snap peas.  Gone.  All gone.  Or mostly so.

You put your hands on your hips and prepare to launch into full lecture mode.  We do not sneak food before dinner!  We do not take mommy’s platters out of the kitchen!  And we especially do not bring food upstairs to our bedrooms!  Food belongs in the kitchen!

And then they turn towards you, mouths full of nutritional goodness, ranch dip smeared across their faces and shirts, and they burst into huge smiles, half-chewed carrots nearly squishing out of the corners of their mouths.

And you find mercy in your heart.  Mercy for their gentle, yet mischievous little souls.  But you also find wonder.  You’re left wondering why they wouldn’t touch a vegetable with a ten foot pole when you put it on their plates in front of them, yet they’ll steal the veggie tray and sneak upstairs to gorge themselves in secret!

Please, be aware of the warning signs.  

I wouldn’t want this to happen to you.

Humor-Blogs.com is more the fruity type.