Fold My Laundry Please

We recently made the decision to get a television for our house.  We used to have one when we lived in Idaho, but when we moved, we decided we didn’t want to move it with us.  For the past two years, we’ve made do with watching movies on our computers and finding our favorite television shows on the internet.  It worked out really well for us and for the most part, we didn’t even miss it.  But we finally tired of plugging the xBox into our monitors so that the kids could play and hearing them cry about wanting to watch some movie or other when we were busy doing important things like blogging or checking our facebook pages.  And so we took a trip over to Walmart and found a modest little television.  It’s not even flat screen!  Can you imagine!

As soon as we got it home, we hooked everything up and plunked ourselves down on the couch for some quality zone-out time.  We watched the news, some cartoons, and figured out what channels we receive.  We didn’t spring for cable, but we get 33 different local channels here, including a movie channel, a cartoon channel, and one that shows only documentaries, so no big loss there.  Something we had all forgotten about, and quite frankly hadn’t missed, was the commercials.  There are so many more commercials during shows than I remember.  The kids are fascinated with them.  They’re like 30 second movies to them.  What that mini-movie is about, however, is so very different to a child than what the rest of us see.

Take this commercial for example:

To the adult eye, its humor would appear to derive from seeing a surgeon, a job which requires steady hands and a clear head, going on and on about how much he luuuuuurves him some bourbon.  But lo!  It is not the drink which he desires, but a tasty new Kentucky Bourbon burger from Carl’s Jr.  Ha!  Good show, Carl’s Jr.!

My son is seven.  All he saw when he watched it was a man carving up a human being and then enjoying a tasty meat patty covered in delicious toppings afterward.  And I quote, "EWWWWW!  HE’S EATING A MAN BURGER!"

Humor-Blogs.com thinks man burger sounds delicious!

Me:  Isn’t it funny how Gideon drops to the ground whenever he gets startled?

Andrew:  And Ethan screams whenever he’s surprised.

Aurora (who is 3 years old and just happened to be walking through the room at the time):  Yeah.  He screams like a little girl.

Just because you’re my friend on Facebook now doesn’t mean you don’t have to vote for me on Humor-Blogs.com anymore.  Yeah, I’m talking to you!  Click it!  Click it now!

My husband was playing around on Youtube and started showing my children videos of Donny Osmond singing.  He told my oldest son that when you watch those videos, you have to say, "Oh, Donny!" in a high pitched voice.  He didn’t respond at the time, but later when I was getting the kids ready for bed, he asked me why we have to say that.

"Daddy was just kidding, love.  What he was joking about was that a lot of women think Donny Osmond is very handsome and those women like to say stuff like that."

"Do you say, ‘Oh, Donny,’ mommy?"

Now how exactly are you supposed to explain to your 7 year old boy that Donny Osmond doesn’t exactly float your boat?

For those of you who do say, "Oh, Donny!", this one’s for you!

Fun fact:  I actually went to a Donny Osmond concert at BYU-I in Rexburg, Idaho way back in 2006!  Jealous much?

Humor-Blogs.com aspires to wear that many sequins at one time someday!

Scene:  I’m making dinner and the children are all sitting at the table lamenting their empty bellies.  I decide to do a little sing-a-along to keep them occupied.

Me: Old Mac Donald had a farm.  E-I-E-I-O!  And on his farm he had a…

Aurora:  Cow!

Me:  …he had a cow.  E-I-E-I-O!  With a moo-moo here, and a moo-moo there.  Here a moo.  There a moo.  Everywhere a moo-moo.  Old Mac Donald had a farm.  E-I-E-I-O!  And on his farm he had a…

Gideon:  Bomb!

Me:  …a bomb?  Really?  Oookay.  And on his farm he had a bomb.  E-I-E-I-O!  With a BAM!, BOOM! here, and a BANG!, BLAST! there.  Here a BOOM!  There a BOOSH!  Everywhere a BAM!, AIEEEEEEEE!  Old Mac Donald had a farm.  E-I-E-I-O!  And on his farm he had a…

Ethan:  A duck!

Me:  …he had a duck.  E-I-E-I-O!  With a quack quack here, and a qua-

Ethan:  Not quack quack, Mom!

Me:  Not quack quack?  What about the ducks?  Don’t they go quack quack?

Ethan:  No. The ducks had a plan.

Me:  I KNEW IT!

Aaaaand…END SCENE!

Humor-Blogs.com.  Aiding and abetting ducks in their terrorist activities on the farm since 2008.

I had just closed all the window blinds for the evening.  Five or ten minutes later we heard a knock on the door to find two shivering young girls collecting cans for a local food drive.  During the time it took me to go into the kitchen and fill a bag full of canned food for them, it had started snowing.  So when I opened the door to hand the bag out to the girls, I was pleasantly surprised.  The girls left and I stood there in the doorway alone watching the snow fall for a few minutes.  Everything was silent and big fat snowflakes were blanketing the front lawn.  It was one of those perfect winter moments.  Then Gideon came up beside me and stood with me.

"HOLY CRAP!  ICE IS FALLING FROM THE SKY, MOM!"

Guess it’s been a while since we’ve seen real snow.

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After picking up a prescription the other day, the pharmacist pulled us aside to give me the dosage details before we left.  I was just about leave when Gideon told the pharmacist, "I like your hair.  Even though you are a baldy." 

The pharmacist just smiled and said, "Thank you very much," before turning around and going back to work.

Me?  I think I died right there in Walmart.

Humor-Blogs.com is also properly embarrased.  But for other reasons entirely.

Things happen every day that we swear we will never forget.  Surely you’ll remember the time the baby did that totally adorable thing.  Or when your six year old displayed real responsibility for the first time.  But then you’re struck a few days later with a nagging thought that there’s something you’ve forgotten.  Did I leave the oven on?  Did I comb my hair before I left the house this morning?  No, it’s that fleeting memory slipping away.  So we spend all our time with our little ones trying desperately to memorize their facial expressions, how it feels to hug someone that small, and every word that comes out of their mouths.  When we’re not trying not to yell at them because they refuse to eat their dinner that is.

I just hope I never forget this.

Every day, when I drop Gideon off at kindergarten, he searches the lawn for a flower to pick for me.  Then runs back to the car and says, "Here, Mom.  This is so you think of me while I’m gone."  Suddenly he’s a blur of feet as he runs off to class blowing kisses over his shoulder.

The day will eventually come when he simply goes to class. 

I better put a box of tissues and a chocolate bar in the car just in case.

Humor-blogs.com  They never call.  They never write.

Do you have cranky children in the car?  Are they whining incessantly about how someone squished their project at school, you didn’t tell them what was on the lunch menu that morning and they had to wait until lunch to figure out what to eat (Here’s a hint, it’s pizza.  It’s always pizza.), and that the school day is JUST SO LONG?  Well fellow parents, suffer no more!  Have I got a plan for you!  All you need do is simply let slip that if you don’t get home quick, you’re going to end up driving home in a puddle of pee.  Immediately, you will see young boys perk right up.  At first it will be oodles of giggles, as potty humor is extremely popular with the under 7 crowd.  Then the older ones will seize the opportunity to increase the jocularity (which, as it turns out, has nothing whatsoever to do with sports) by capitalizing on your pain.  Suddenly, the back seat will erupt with cries of "Whatever you do, mommy, don’t think about water!" and, "Drip!  Drip!  Drip!  Drip!"  Also, they will be sure to point out that the farm you drive by every day is currently watering its crops.  "Look, mommy!  The sprayers are on!  They’re going, ‘Psssshhh, pssshhh, pssshhh, pssshhh, pssshhh, pssshhh…"  Oh, the hilarity!  You will be miserable, but your children will have definitely cheered up!

Is it you that’s not feeling your usual chipper self?  Are you having "one of those days"?  I have a cure for that, too!  Just take a gander at this:

Now don’t you feel better about your day?  I know I do!

Humor-blogs.com will cheer you up every time!

The other day Andrew got some cash from the bank.  On a lark, he decided to receive it in the form of a roll of freshly minted $1 coins.  Later, in the car, he was playing with a handful of coins ala Scrooge McDuck when he jokingly said, "Now I’m ready for the strip club!  WOOHOO!"  And I laughed because can you imagine how fast you’d get thrown out of a club if you started dropping coins in some girls panties?  Not that I imagine things like that.  It’s just that paper is the norm and coins would make that jingly noise as they danced, not to mention the discomfort of the whole thing.  Not that I would have any knowledge of that sort of thing!

I’m not making this any better, am I?

ANYWAY…

The point is that I laughed.  At a somewhat lewd joke.  And within milliseconds, I heard a little girl’s voice pipe up from the back seat saying, "Now I’m ready for the strip club!  WOOHOO!"  Which made me laugh even harder (though rest assured, I was also feeling the proper amount of shame and abhorrence) and prompted many cheerful repetitions from the afforementioned little girl.

Then came the questions from The Inquisitive Ones. 

What’s a strip club?

Why would a lady want to do a bad dance for people?

Why do they want you to put coins in their panties?

Is there a strip club near our house?

Can we go see one someday?

Suddenly I need a tylenol.

Humor-Blogs.com accepts dollar coins as well as credit and debit cards.

•  Apparently, a homeless person holding a sign that simply says "One fry short of a happy meal," will earn considerably more money than the guy standing on the very same corner later in the day holding a sign bearing the more traditional "Will work for food," or, "Every little bit helps," or even, "God bless".  Me?  I just wanna buy him a happy meal.
• Once your toddler pulls all the  sandwich bags out of the brand new box you just put on the shelf, it is nearly impossible to fit them back in the box.  I suggest giving up and just cramming them all in a gallon size bag.
• You may think the bank will not budge on the random charges they placed on your account (They do this every August/September.  Should I be sensing a pattern?), but you may be pleasantly surprised if you take the time to go in and speak with someone about it.
• An empty milk jug and a long handled wooden spoon to bat it around with are infinitely more entertaining than the expensive toys you bought for them last week.  Christmas is going to be sooooo easy this year!
• Nighttime potty training efforts improve significantly when sugary reimbursement is introduced. 
• If you decide to stay in your favorite, most comfortable pair of hole-filled jammies to drop your child off at school, you will inevitably need to get out of the car for some reason in some very public place.
• Asking your child, "How was your day?" when you pick them up after school can result in confusing responses such as, "Creepy."
• No matter how many times you put "Click! Register! Give me a smiley!" at the bottom of your blog posts, a high percentage of people will still refuse to do so.

Click!  Register!  Give me a smiley!  Or else Humor-Blogs.com will steal a french fry from your happy meal.